Is there a sinister side to this glorious institution we call Easter? While the Christian tradition of celebrating Christ's return from the dead remains at the core of the holiday, some say that the more consumer-oriented aspects of the season are Communist-inspired. Could it be true? Are those innocent-looking candies and confections in league with the dark forces of International Communism? Is it Is Peter Cottontail, or Pieter Kottontailov?

To help us unravel this tale of political intrigue, I've asked famous political researcher Tim Foil to the rANT Farm, today. He is the author of Saturday Night Holocaust: How Hitler Invented Disco and The Lady in Red: Communists and the Adult Movie Industry. Thanks for being here today, Tim.

Tim Foil: Thank you, J. I'm very grateful to you for letting me air my views in your column.

J. Edward: That's what we're here for, Tim.

T: Exactly. The Communists who really control this country's media are relentless in trying to stamp out independent and dissident thought. If the truth were put on the 6 O'clock news-

J: You can stop holding my hand, now, Tim.

T: Oh! Sorry... I'm, um... just really happy to be here.

J: I can see that. So let's talk about the Easter Bunny. Whatever led you to believe that he might be a Communist?

T: Well... to answer that, we have to look back at the history of the Easter Bunny, himself. He was originally a part of pre-Christian fertility rituals... which is easy to see, given how prolific bunny rabbits are.

J: As above, so below?

T: Exactly. And when the Church rode through Northern Europe it co-opted a great deal of pagan lore into its own practices. This was done to make converting easier for the natives. That's why we have yule logs at Christmas, for example. And that's also where we got the Easter Bunny.

J: So the Easter Bunny's a holdover from the pre-Christian era of Europe?

T: Exactly.

J: Well, that's not exactly news to anyone who can read... but how does he go from being a polytheist to being a communist?

T: Well, what we need to remember is that the first written evidence of the Easter Bunny comes from Germany, in the 1500's. He was introduced to American shores by the Pennsylvania Dutch.

(Moment of silence)

J: And...?

T: And what?

J: What does that have to do with his being a Communist?

T: Well, it seems you're in no position to chide anyone for not reading. What else came from Germany?

J: Um... Apple Strudel?

T: Karl Marx.

J: And that's the answer...?

T: Exactly. There's your connection.

J: Well, isn't that a bit of a tenuous connection? Isn't there any other proof?

T: Yes there is. For example, the photographic evidence is pretty clear.

J: Yeah... about these photos -

T: My sources on the internet are very thorough. You'd be amazed what they can dig up, given time.

J: How do you know they're not fakes?

(moment of dumbfounded silence)

T: Are you accusing my sources of doing poor research?

J: No, but just for the sake of argument -

T: I'm very insulted. No one puts incorrect information on the internet. They wouldn't dare.

J: Um... well, if you say so...

T: Exactly. Look at those photos. The camera never lies! See, here we have Stalin, the Easter Bunny and this other fellow. A troika of unremitting Communist evil pipelining communist subversion into our homes under the guise of innocent-looking Easter eggs!

J: Well, I understand that -

T: How many children's lives were destroyed by these? History demands an answer!!! History demands an answer!!!

J: Okay... okay... calm down, man.

T: Wooh! Sorry... I'm sorry about that.

J: Are you okay?

T: Yes... I think I am. My analyst says I should try to think happy thoughts, but the special medicine usually makes them go away, too.

J: Uh... yeah. Let's talk about the photos later... you say you have a more mathematical explanation?

T: Exactly. In his book The Fiery Truth about Communism, Lyndon Larouche not only put to rest the notion that Communism could work, but also showed, by extension, that there's no way these brightly-painted eggs, chocolate bunnies and Easter baskets could have been successfully brought to America's unsuspecting youth in the massive amounts that they are without Communist malfeasance.

J: Lyndon Larouche?

T: Exactly. In addition to his work with Executive Intelligence Review, Mr. Larouche is a master of Riemannian physics. A veritable economic genius.

J: Well, yeah, but wasn't Lyndon Larouche was sent to jail for tax fraud?

T: Yes... well...

J: So... if he's an economic genius, then what -

T: He maintains he was framed.

J: Was he?

T: That's another subject for another day, but you can be sure there's more to that than meets the eye.

J: Okay.

T: A lot more.

J: Moving right along -

T: He was about to blow the lid off of why we faked the Vietnam War.

(pause)

J: What?

T: Vietnam doesn't exist. It's a few thousand miles of swampy backlot in Newfoundland.

J: Oh my goddess...

T: Exactly. Have you ever seen a map produced outside of America? If you do, you'll notice that Vietnam, Bahrain and Finland do not appear on them -

J: You were going to talk about the mathematical explanation?

T: Ah, yes... I think I have it here.

J: Well, whip it out... and go slow, because...

T: But J, we're still on the air.

J: I mean your mathematical explanation, Tim.

T: Oh! Sorry... yes, um....

J: And for the sake of those of us who can't balance our checkbook without a CPA on hand, please assume we understand nothing at all.

T: Not a problem... I brought these charts and graphs...

(One mind-numbing hour of mathematical explanations later)

J: Well, that was about as clear as mud. I thought I asked for the easy explanation?

T: J... that was the easy explanation.

J: It was?

T: Yes.

J: Well, I don't think half the propellerheads at MIT could have wrapped their heads around that one.

T: Exactly. Further proving my point that the communist plot of the Easter Bunny has corrupted our nation's youth.

J: Well, let me ask you another question, Tim... how did you get onto the trail of the Easter Bunny in the first place? I mean, you have to admit that there are an awful lot of more obvious targets?

T: Exactly. Unfortunately, everyone else sort of beat me to them. The Red Cross, the United Nations, Congress, the Civil Rights Movement, Amtrak, Boy Scouts, the Moonies... I'd get three-quarters of the way through a proposal to my publisher only to find out that someone else had a new book on that same subject coming out in a month. I suspect literary espionage -

J: Well, this is a field where you're often first to be second, isn't it?

T: Exactly. And that's the real problem with it. If you want to be taken seriously you have to come up with new information. Otherwise you're just a leech, hanging into other people's jackets.

J: Mmmm-hmmm.

T: And I'm not a hitcher. I'm a driver.

J: Now, you're sure about all this?

T: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

J: Well... you have to admit that this is a serious accusation to be making, here. If you take what some sources have said at face value, then Communism has racked up somewhere between 80 - 100 million deaths in the 20th century. That's no laughing matter.

T: Exactly, and that's why we need to be on our guard against further Communist subversion of America's institutions. The price of non-vigilance is death.

J: Yeah, but... the more you throw a label around, the less it means. If you call everything you disagree with "communist inspired," then you sound like a complete cartoon. No one takes you seriously.

T: Oh, that's where you're wrong. You are wrong, sir. I am taken seriously. Anti-Communist think-tanks around the world call me for opinions, not the other way around.

J: But isn't this like the boy crying "wolf?"

T: Well, maybe that's a problem for some of my peers. But I like to think that I am in more control of the facts in these matters. In fact, my research is impeccable.

J: But you have been wrong before, right?

T: Well... I realize that I may have undermined my credibility somewhat, before now, on occasion...

J: Like the whole "Charlie the Tuna: Greenpeace Dupe" episode?

T: Um... yes. Yes. I'd like to reiterate that I was operating under false information deliberately planted by someone trying to lead me astray and damage my reputation.

J: Mmmm-hmmm?

T: And I'd also like to say how glad I am that the whole affair was forgiven and forgotten by Charlie's financial backers -

J: "Yogi Bear: Israeli Spy?"

T: That... that time, the PLO set me up.

J: Well... it looks like we're out of time for this column. So-

T: I have proof.

J: ... be sure to tune in next week, when we talk to a man whose garden gnome supposedly traveled the world, and sent back photographs.

(Closing music starts up)

T: Wasn't that a French film?

J: France doesn't exist, Tim.

T: It doesn't?

J: No, it's all filmed in a backlot in Quebec.

T: Oh... well, that explains some things...

"(he was) as bitter as he could be against the whole world. He saw enemies everywhere. It had reached the point of being pathological, of persecution mania." - Josef Stalin's daughter, Svetlana, describing her father's post-WWII temperament